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In 1347 an eleven fingered midget named Little Jimmy invented the anus. Before this time, people would swell up from eating and eventually explode. Little Jimmy had seen his parents explode before him and wanted to stop the tragedy of exploding people by inventing something he called the Anus, from the Latin Analia, meaning to bugger a sheep.
Little Jimmy lived in the village of Detroit. He had a pet fetus he took on walks. It had some brain disease and looked all funny, one side of the head much bigger than the other. He hated the fuck out of walking that fucking thing but if he didn’t it would fucking shit everywhere and destroy their levitating adobe hut. Little Jimmy was a heroin addict. This sucked for him because heroin hadn’t been invented yet. Yes, it was an anachronism, just like his vibrating chocolate foot long dildo and his stash of depleted uranium.
Little Jimmy was so fuckin’ old you could saw his head off and count the rings and you would lose count after reaching one hundred. That’s older than a motherfucker, thought Little Jimmy as he smothered some ugly babies with little toe tags. Little Jimmy puked everywhere from all that malt liquor. He was all dizzy and spinning. Little Jimmy loved to get fucked up like shit, and he fucking loved to puke. He loved puking more than drinking.
Then he went to a projectile birth contest. Pregnant women spread their legs and shot out their babies and the woman who shot her baby the furthest was the winner. A real good shot would fling the baby so far the umbilical cord would snap and the baby would fly off into space never to be seen again. Little Jimmy wanted a vagina so he could enter the contest, so he tried to make one.
But instead he invented the anus. Thanks Little Jimmy.
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