MY PET ANT

A Series by Liam Davies

INCOME-PET-ANT

I had a pet ant

who worked

in the dog biscuit factory

to help us 

make ends meet,

but he made the mistake

of leaving

the ovens unattended

and the place burned down

He lost his job

Two people died in the fire

a cleaner and a foreman.

Stupid ant.

EX-PECKED-ANT

My pet ant

had been harassed

for too long

That bird wouldn't leave him alone

But since I gave him poison

to leave in tree bark

for the bird to find

and consequently die,

my ant can look

forward to a hope filled

horizon

ANT-I-DOTE

My pet ant

had a sore eye

that the doctor prescribed

medicine for.

As I was tied up

my mother's sister

rode on he bicycle

to the chemists

for the prescription...

She'll do anything

for that ant

but although I'm grateful

she should remember

that he is mine.

ANT-I-BODY

My pet ant and I

sat by the swimming pool

in our bathers.

'Feeling better?'

I said.

(His immune system

had just fought off

a nasty eye infection)

'Yeah.'

He grinned

before continuing

his subversive glances

from beneath his sunglasses

at the ladies

in their bikinis.

STUD-E(A)NT)

My pet ant

attends Oxford University

and resides on campus

but instead

of taking an interest

in the culture of the city

or going punting

(or dare I say doing some studies)

he spends his time

seducing babes

'Hung like a hamster'

they say

which is proportionally

very impressive

for an ant.

DETER-R-RANT

My pet ant

got drunk down

at The Trafalgar Arms.

As he staggered home

he was confronted

by a young man

with stubble for hair

and a pretty swallow

on his neck.

My ant sensed an impending

knuckle sandwich.

'I can lift sheven hundrud

timeshes my own body weight

you fiend!'

He said.

The thug retreated

to the shadows

obviously not clever enough

to realise

my ant's proportionate

excessive strength

was no match

for old Dr Martin.

DEBUT-ANT

I feel a mixture of pride

And envy

As I watch my pet ant

Perform his first

Live solo performance

Since he left our band.

OMMMM-NIP-IT-ANT

My pet ant

has been reading up

on Eastern meditation

techniques

he dragged me along

to a specialist class

where we sat and chanted

'ommmmmm'

when suddenly a lady squealed

My ant had pinched her

on the bum

His excuse?

'I just saw it and had to'.

'Trust you to notice that'

'I notice everything' he said

and on that note

we drove home in silence.

REST-AU-RANT

'I'm far too tired'

I professed

but the choice was there

Two differing activities

On the one hand I could

stay in the chair

I've made home

since getting fired

from my job

at the corrugated iron factory

or attend the meal

with my pet ant

at a French eatery

for my mother's sister's

birthday

decisions, decisions

PEAS-ANT

My pet ant

had reflected of late

about the dark days

when all we could afford

to eat

were peas.

'Do you like peas now?'

I said

to which he merely replied...

'Revolt!'

CONFID-ANT

My pet ant

and the sister of my mother

share whispers

in the darkness

and although

I know

they're just comforting

one another

through these dark days

I can't help

but worry

that they're criticising

my swordplay

DE-ODER-ANT

Ooooh my pet ant

trying to learn

every word known to mankind

by combing through

the dictionary

'What letter are you on?'

'D?'

I think that's what he said.

I sent him up for a bath

because he stank

after football practise

and it's hard to hear him

through the ceiling.

CHRIST-MAS(S)-PRESS-ANT

'So what is Christmas all about Anthony?'

Said the Sunday school teacher

to my pet ant.

'Jesus baby?' he whispered.

'Well done... anything else?'

'Going to mass?'

'Excellent.'

'... and loads of presents

like mountain bikes

and space men toys!'

After a pause

the exasperated teacher

threatened to squash him

with a press of her thumb

until he agreed to stop

being so selfish.

ANT-ELOPE

'Where have you been?'

I yelled to no avail.

My pet ant

had been missing for three days.

I eventually got an answer

by refusing to let him

watch wildlife documentaries

about African Savannah beasts...

'Okay, okay

I was at Gretna Green getting married

to the girl of my dreams!'

he blurted.

She died of fright

shortly after the ceremony though

under the presumption

my ant's

wandering eye

made him a cheetah.

TIE-R-ANT

My pet ant

Had a job interview

At the dog biscuit factory

For work as a supervisor

I straightened his neck tie

And spit wiped mud

From his cheek

‘Nervous?’

‘No… I’ll get the job

And all the workers

Will be under my control!’

He cackled

‘I think it’s more likely

You get a job on the floor.’

I said

‘you have no work experience

Or leadership skills.’

With that he uttered

Verbal abuse like

None I had heard before

And left

Shaking the house

with a slam of the door.

ANT-AGONISE/ANT-AGONY

My Pet ant and I

shared so much

in such a short time

but it was not to last.

Unlike dogs who can live

for up to fifteen years

ants live for much less...

as little as three months.

Imagine my dismay

when with a good two weeks

ahead left

my mother's sister Aggie

sat on him.

Here's to you

my formic friend

a glass raised

to the joy you used to bring

to so many...

withstanding the families

of those who burned

in the fire

that you caused.

See you on the others side

God bless...