Rosalind Barden

The chipmunk was dead, quite dead, and sprawled in a tragic pose at the doorstep to the cabin-suite's back patio in the woodsy and ecologically conscious spa founded by an earnest and aging, but still lovely, celebrity, deep in the mountains where those in a "state of nerves" can escape for a respite.

But the dead chipmunk did nothing for the state of Helen's sister's nerves, which were in a heightened state to begin with as it was her birthday, with another year cruelly ticking by, and she was between divorces and beginning to worry, seriously. As her sister collapsed to the sofa by the fireplace, Helen called the front desk, which tersely informed her that the only other cabin-suite available was far more costly and they could not possibly see to a free upgrade because, "this resort sponsors so many crucial ecological projects, your dollars in truth fund the saving of our planet." But Helen couldn't stay in the dead chipmunk room, with her sister sobbing and carrying on, so, unhappily, she agreed to foot the higher bill.

The new cabin-suite was indeed more luxurious, but her sister's nerves were still far too delicate, so she stayed in her bed and Sven, the masseur, made frequent in-suite spa calls to "relieve your tension, darling."

During her large blocks of idle time, Helen wandered the woodsy grounds, and during one of her wanderings, came across a couple vacating their cabin-suite with faces pale with stress, while the attending staff oddly made the exact speech that Helen had heard: " . . . your dollars in truth fund the saving of our planet." Hummmm.

Helen ducked into nearby shrubbery to get a closer view, and spotted, there! a staff member scooping into a plastic bag a chipmunk, exactly as dead and frozen in exactly the tragic pose as the dead chipmunk on their patio doorstep.

Stealthily, she followed the staff back to the front offices. Peeking though the windows, she saw them put the chipmunk into a plastic tub labeled "Pat" and tuck it into their freezer. A woman, who seemed to be the office manager, asked, "How was Pat?" and the others cheerily chirped, "Pat was great! She did it again!" And Helen noted that Pat was also the name of the aging, but lovely, celebrity who owned the spa resort.

Being that the spa was deep in the mountains far from any possible urban crime, security was lax, so Helen was able to slip into the offices and retrieve Pat with no problem. When the next group of guests arrived, sure enough, a staff member trotted to the fridge to resurrect Pat, but, "Where's Pat? Pat's gone! Do you have Pat?" But no. No one had Pat. Helen took this as her cue to rap on the window with the frozen chipmunk. The staff turned, and, "Oh, dear Jesus!" fled to the office manager who came away from her desk to investigate, but by then, Helen and Pat had retreated to higher ground.

Helen carried on more of the window rappings, and in between, to keep Pat fresh, tucked the chipmunk into their suite's freezer, which was the safest place since Helen's sister had never been known to enter a kitchen, much less look into a fridge.

The office manager angrily disagreed with the staff's Pat-risen-from-the-dead stories, was convinced they'd mislaid Pat, and, "you just don't want to confess to it!" Helen decided to divest the office manager of her notion one afternoon by leaving Pat on her desk while the woman went to refresh her coffee cup. Upon returning and seeing Pat, the office manager flung the coffee cup in the air, flinging black coffee all about the walls, and ran to the other staff, but by the time they returned, Helen had secreted Pat away once again, and she smiled as she overheard the office manager sob, "Pat moved! And she spoke! I know it!"

All of Pat's recent adventures had taken a toll on the chipmunk and one of her frozen paws broke off. No matter. Helen rested it on the door knob to the staff offices and such shrieking and ashen-faced running about had never been heard nor seen in the mountains.

It came time for Helen and her sister to return to their lives. As luck would have it, Helen overheard the nervous staff comment that the other Pat, the celebrity, was scheduled to arrive later that day for her annual holiday visit, and she'd be staying in the very same suite Helen was about to vacate. Well, now.

Helen carefully sliced open a bag of microwave popcorn, removed the oily kernels, replaced them with Pat, carefully resealed the bag, and stuck a cheery note on it saying, "Happy Holidays, Pat! Here is a new type of gourmet microwave popcorn that we want you to be the first to try! Your Devoted Staff." Pat left it inside the suite's microwave.

After safely tucking Helen into first class heading Back East with Sven, Helen returned to LA.

Over her morning tea, Helen was delighted to read in the Trades that celebrity Pat had abruptly, and with no explanation to the press, fired the entire staff of her mountain eco spa for purposes of "a complete reorganization."