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On The Wild Side
Are Blue Pootles rare creatures? Are they creatures at all?
Having a geneticist for a Hubby Bubba leads to some interesting dinner conversation on that very subject. Although the Blue Pootle is, he admits, as unique as a unicorn and as special as a snowflake, she is very definitely a creature, and, more particularly, an animal. Hubby Bubba believes that we are all animals (well, apart from things that don’t really change position a lot, such as plants, chairs, Tupperware and UN members) and are therefore prone to all the natural desires that rule the animal kingdom.
For instance, the desire to eat well when food is available. All animals do it, don’t they? Not being an expert in this field, and having only thirty seconds available to do research means that I’m pretty well making up anything that sounds vaguely scientific in this piece, so take it all with a pinch of salt, please… Put it down to programming. If you manage to fell a gazelle – well! (Apologies for the Milliganism.) Surely it makes sense to eat until you can’t possibly eat any more. And then it’s just as sensible to stand over the corpse growling when anyone else approaches.
Let me put this example into context:
Pootle: Wow. That was a great spag bol. Brilliant. I’m stuffed. Hubby: Too stuffed to manage the last bit of garlic bread? Pootle: Oh yeah. Waaay too stuffed. Can’t move. Just throw me the remote control and cover me with a blanket at bedtime. Hubby: I know what you mean. (Reaches across table.) Pootle: What are you doing? Hubby: I was just going to polish off the garlic bread. Pootle: I thought you were full. Hubby: Well, I just have a little space – Pootle: No! (Slaps Hubby’s hand away) Hubby: Ow! Pootle: I’m saving that for breakfast. Hubby: You what? Pootle: You heard. Hubby: Don’t be so greedy! Pootle: What did you call me?
After that scene things got ugly, so I think I’ll leave the action replay there. Once you start to examine your own behaviour, you realise that those primal instincts are rearing their monobrows all over the place. For instance, the desire to turn the central heating up to the top setting on the thermostat; the desire to be in the fastest moving queue in the supermarket; the desire to look great in a pair of sequinned hotpants – all of these are subversions of very serious needs.
But all of this animal behaviour got me thinking. Many of these urges have to be controlled in order to be acceptable in human society. After all, one can’t beat one’s chest and challenge someone to a territory contest in the middle of the Bakerloo line. And, by and large, we’re succeeding in changing our basic programming. So what’s to stop the other animals from noticing this apparent step forward? (Or backward, depending on your point of view?)
Recently I’ve noticed strange behaviour in squirrels. Apparently they attacked a dog. It’s true – it was on the internet. (See how scientific I’m being?) It was a short nut season, and so they ganged up on a dog and ate it. This strikes me as utterly human behaviour: adopting, adapting and improving to make the best of a bad lot. No going gently into that rodent goodnight for those Russian squirrels. They must have been watching us two-legs and taking notes.
The squirrels are taking over.
I’ve also noticed worrying behaviour in badgers. They must be forming the underground movement.
Word of the Day: Platypod. Having broad or flat feet.
Go here to provide the Pootle with feedback, start a discussion about the burning issues addressed above or simply to say hi.
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