THE BLUE POOTLE

December 2005

By Aliya Whiteley

On The Surface of the Planet

The Blue Pootle has a love of science fiction films, particularly ones that involve suspicion, terror, and the unveiling of a really ugly pissed-off alien. (Is there any other kind of alien? And don’t say ET – he was a repressed pissed-off alien, smothered under loathsome children giving bad performances.)

But recently I acquired a pet Munchie via the Stork Delivery Service. As an aside, let me tell you that I don’t recommend Stork Delivery; it takes at least nine months to arrive, and the package will leak constantly. However, I’d signed myself up for a Munchie, and therefore felt I had to do the responsible thing and not immediately damage it mentally by subjecting it to the sight of suspicion, terror, and an ugly pissed-off alien. Of course, I’m well aware that I will scar my Munchie at some point – I’ve read Philip Larkin and once took three lectures in Child Psychology before deciding it was too much like hard work and swapping to Drama, which only needed four hours of commitment a week and the ability to keep a straight face when confronted with the sight of blokes in tights and jerkins (and that was harder than it sounds) – but I would rather put the mental damage on hold, at least until the Munchie can talk.

I’m getting sidetracked here.

Right, well, the point is that I needed to vet my sci-fi collection for films that could be considered suitable for a pet Munchie. After extensive thought I came up with the following list:

• Lilo and Stitch

Yes, I know it’s Disney and that should be enough to bin it from any list that isn’t entitled, ‘Films by Which I Never Want My Pet Munchie to be Turned into a Victim of Fluffy Commercialism’, but really, this film does meet all my criteria for a great sci-fi film. There’s suspicion and there’s terror (poor Stitch, all lonely and scared in the woods… it makes me cry every time I watch it.), and there’s even an ugly pissed-off alien who also happens to be genetically engineered, invincible, and programmed to destroy everything it sees. Okay, so it meets a little girl, learns about love and families, and decides to become a little bundle of niceness instead, but you can turn the film off before you reach that part. At any rate, if you do continue watching, remember to turn it off before the credits roll. That’s the point when Gareth Gates ruins that masterpiece Suspicious Minds and you would be compelled to smash the DVD into a thousand pieces with a lump hammer, therefore mentally scarring your pet Munchie and thereby defeating the point of the exercise.

• The Rocky Horror Picture Show

I admit, this seems like an odd choice for the under ones. But don’t look at it through the eyes of a Munchie Owner; look at it through the eyes of a Munchie. I was but a soft-shelled baby whelk in the big purple pond of life when I first saw Rocky Horror, and I loved it without having a clue as to what was going on. People were wearing costumes, dancing, and singing catchy songs – as far as I was concerned it was Annie with an axe murder.

And Rocky Horror isn’t just great for your pet. It opens up a whole new definition of fun for you too, when you encourage your little lovely to put on their own Rocky Horror Show for the grandparents, with Sweet Transvestite topping the bill. Make sure you have a camera nearby to capture that timeless moment.

• Any Science Fiction film directed by Andrei Tarkovsky

However, you have to watch them in a particular time frame: late at night with the lights out. You get to think incredible, deep thoughts about the nature of the soul, and your Munchie immediately falls into a long, unbroken sleep. Perfect family viewing.

So, that’s my list so far. And no, before you suggest it, I’m not going to subject my offspring to ET, you sicko. Not only is that one mother of a repressed little alien, but the storyline only serves to highlight America’s paranoia in the face of different cultures. I don’t want my Munchie to have to face that kind of reality just yet, thanks very much. Let it dream along with Tarkovsky for a while longer, eh?

Word of the Day: Vug. A cavity in a rock.

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